The Many Jobs of Negi Springfield
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Summary: Negi opened his diploma and stared. "Huh," he said. "Wasn't expecting that…" A succession of other things Negi could have been besides 'A teacher in Japan'. Negi as a Mythbuster, Math Teacher, Reporter, Bartender, Tutor, DADA Teacher. As always, CRACK!


A/N: Right. So, I'm currently mental blocked on my other stories, but I really want to write. What else to do but write something random?

Also…

NAKED DYNAMIS ATTACK! Am I the only one who thought it funny his pelvic scenery censor was so… small? Seriously, the girls get covered up with more, relatively speaking. Makes me think the only appealing part of Dynamis might be his face…

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The Many Jobs of Negi Springfield

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Negima, the Dresden Files, How I Met Your Mother, The Heroes of Olympus Series, is not mine, and I am not making money off this.

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**A Private Investigator in Chicago…**

Murphy stared down at the young boy with Dresden, who was gracing her with a bright, innocent, winning smile as he held out his hand for her to shake, his green striped suit clean and pressed, a big stick stuck on his back with no obvious point of contact. "Lieutenant Murphy," the boy said. "It's nice to finally meet you. Master Harry has been telling me all sorts of nice things about you."

Murphy closed and opened her eyes in a slow blink, then hesitantly shook the boy's hand. "Nice to meet you too," she said, then turned a glare at Harry, incredulous. "Are you out of your _mind_?"

Harry shuffled his shoulders nervously, not looking at her directly. "Look, it's a complicated wizard thing…"

"You bought a child to a crime scene!" Murphy hissed. "A _multiple homicide _crime scene!"

"I _know_, okay?" Harry hissed back. "Look, this wasn't my idea!"

"Are those intestines?" Negi said innocently.

The next full moon, one of the rarest, most powerful vampires in the world that Harry didn't even know was living in Chicago suddenly attacked, ranting about how she needed the boy's blood and saying something about his father. Things got… naked.

Harry still wasn't sure how the robot maid fit into things.

...

**A Bartender in New York.**

"Negi," well-dressed man in the suit said. "I am going to teach you how to live. And the good news is, you're already wearing a suit!"

"Does anyone else find it creepy Barney seems to be hitting on the hot new bartender?" Robin asked.

"Does anyone else find it creepy that Robin thinks the ten year-old is hot?" Ted asked.

"Doesn't anyone else find it illegal he's working as a bartender?" Marshal asked.

...

**An English Tutor at a Year-Round Camp**

Jason stared at the young boy smiling up at them across ping-pong table of the Big House, uncomfortably aware that Piper had gone _very_ silent and was looking at the boy in a way her siblings usually reserved for, say, their latest conquest in the name of their mother Aphrodite. Clarisse had a small, slow smile on her face, Miranda Gardner was idly fluffing her hair, Rachel was whistling appreciatively and even Annabeth was looking at him appreciatively.

Leo leaned towards Jason and said, "Is it just me, or are the girls acting like the ten year-old just walked out of a deodorant commercial?"

"It's not just you," Jason almost growled.

Chiron coughed. "Now, settle down, all. This is Negi Springfield. He's to be the camp's new English Tutor."

"English Tutor?" Leo repeated blankly.

"Many of your parents are quite concerned with some of your grades," Chiron said, face completely straight. "They felt a tutor was required. Classes start in a week."

"But we have training!" Jason protested. "We need to prepare for the giants!"

"Your grades are just as important," Chiron said as a young girl about Negi's age in dark sunglasses, a mouth concealing dust mask and a plate of cookies entered the room, bringing the cookies to Negi. "After all, your parents are just worried about you."

Butch of Iris Cabin rubbed the bridge of his nose. "They picked _now_ to be all parental?"

The girl put the plate of cookies next to Negi. "Welcome to Camp Half-Blood," she said cheerfully. "Please, have a cookie."

Negi and other others blinked in surprise. "Oh, thank you," Negi said, taking a cookie and eating it. "Hey! These are very good!"

"Why, thank you," the girl said. "Hey, if you're not doing anything later, would you like to take a tour of the camp with me? I can show your where everything is. The facilities… the showers… the dark, out of the way places where we can take our time…"

Annabeth blinked, staring at the girl. "_Hestia_?" she nearly cried in surprise.

The girl shook her head frantically, waving her hands. "Hestia? Who is this Hestia you speak of? I'm just a completely random camper here, perfectly indistinguishable from any other, certainly not someone to get suspicious about."

"Lady Hestia, I know it's you!" Annabeth said. "We met last year! I saw you nearly every day when I was redesigning Olympus!"

"Really, I have no idea what you're talking about!" the girl said, waving away a hovering little sign that said 'Hestia, Goddess of the Hearth, Last Olympian, Only One To Get A Book Named After Her'. "_Shoo!_ I am a perfectly normal, ordinary camper girl!"

"Percy gave you Pandora's Pithos!" Annabeth said. "It's on your back right now! We can _see_ it! It's a big jar that says 'Under the protection of Hestia, Do Not Open!'."

Hestia tried to turn to hide the jar behind her. "What jar?"

The door to the room opened again, and a tall, beautiful woman with shoulder-length hair, perfect features and an amazing figure walked in, wearing a nurse's uniform out of a porn video. "Mr. Springfield," she said, voice also right out of a porn video. "It's time for your physical. Please go to the infirmary and strip down. Every stitch, mind you."

Piper stared, mortified. "_MOM?_" she managed to squeak.

Leo stared at Negi in undisguised awe. "Teach me," he begged.

Jason's head drooped. "_I stultorum cingentibus,_" he muttered in Latin. _I am surrounded by idiots._

"Aw," Negi said, in a chiding tone. "_Ne tale._" _Don't be like that._

Jason gave him a level look and dropped his head into his hands.

By the time _Gaea _started showing up to put the moves on him, Jason decided, screw it, he was heading for California. He'd heard there was a team of heroes being assembled there that needed teenagers with attitude, so he packed some red shirts…

...

**A Reporter For A Great Metropolitan Newspaper**

Lois Lane stared. "You have _got_ to be kidding me."

"Now, Lois, give the kid a chance," Clark said, although he was looking at Negi a bit in askance as well.

Jimmy stuck out his hand. "Hi, kid! Welcome to the Planet. If you need any help, feel free to ask."

"Um, well, you wouldn't happen to know any cheap apartments, would you….?" Negi said, blushing in embarrassment as they all noted the luggage he was carrying.

It was, in the hindsight presented by a vampire-and-robot-attack, several alien invasions, a trip to Magical Mars, forming the Justice League and a disturbing number of Pactios, probably a bad idea Clark had invited him to stay in his apartment until he could find his own place.

"Kara," Clark said as he brought Negi home. "This is Negi. He'll be staying with us for a while."

"Hey…" his cousin said, smiling at the boy.

Really, in hindsight, it was a very bad idea.

...

**A Mythbuster**

"… and so, we have _busted _the myth that Cosmo Entelekheia is the only way to save the Magical World!" Negi cried.

"Curse you Negi Springfield and your methodical scientific process!" Dynamis cried. "Don't think this is over! We still have… THE REVISIT EPISODES!"

"Bring it on!" Negi cried.

...

**A Math Teacher**

"Hello everyone," Negi said. "I'm Negi Springfield, from Unadministered World 97, and I will be your new Advanced Magical Calculation Teacher. I'm very pleased to be here at St. Hilde Academy!"

He smiled. Every girl in the room swooned. Vivio found herself thinking strange thoughts. Could this be that strange thing aunt Amy talked about? Being… what had she called it… straight?

In the next school, Einhart Stratos looked up ominously. "I sense a great yuri-shipping complication in the Force…"

A little farther away, Nanoha looked up from what she was working on. "Something is very wrong… my mama-senses are telling me Vivio is in great danger!"

"Nanoha!" Fate cried. "Don't stop!"

Nanoha blinked, then went down back to what she was working on.

"Oh, _Nanoha!_"

A few months later, at the dual full moon, one of the students of St. Hilde Academy and her puppet and robot familiars attacked Negi, screaming about his blood, a curse, and something about his father…

...

**A Therapeutic Assistant at Arkham Asylum (shamelessly inspired by Overmaster and used with permission, though admittedly not very well)**

"Well," the head of Arkham said to Negi, "The good news is that you have become our most effective therapist here. Patient Isley, patient Dent, patient Quinzel, patient Wesker, patient Sutton, patient Fries… all have made incredible progress because of your sessions. Though we're concerned that some of the patients seem to be developing pedophilia…" He coughed nervously,

Negi blinked. "What's that?"

"On the other hand!" the other man said, a bit too loudly. "It's nice to know you have the sneezing under control…"

The next full moon, a vampire attacked the Asylum with her robot side-kick, screaming about blood, a curse, and something about Negi's father. By the time Batman got there, Negi was patiently talking her through her childhood while Killer Croc, Two-Face and some of Poison Ivy's plants held her down, and her robot sidekick chatted with Harley about cartoons…

"And then I realized I'd never age," the blonde was saying as she lay back on her couch while Negi nodded and took notes. "And I felt… cheated. I mean, even in those days, your breasts getting bigger was a big deal, and now I'd never get them…"

Batman blinked. "What's going on here?" he asked the closest sane person.

"Trust me," the Joker said. "You _don't_ want to know."

...

**A Defense Against The Dark Arts Teacher**

"Harry," Hermione said patiently. "It's been a year. He's not evil, he's not incompetent, he's not working for Voldemort, he's not out to kill you, he's not connected to your past in any way, he's been fair and even-handed, and Snape even seems to like him. Would you just let it go?"

"There HAS to be something up with him!" Harry said. "There just has to be! I mean, he's ten! What other explanation is there?"

And thus, the Boy-Who-Lived had a nervous breakdown, leaving Negi and Neville to tag-team Voldemort in future books…

...

**An Ordinary Student**

"**Negi Springfield of Earth, there is great rage in your heart…**"

_Please, anyone who can hear my voice, help me!_

"Negi Springfield, because of you, I've seen hell! Prepare to die!"

"Negi Springfield, you've been granted a wish…"

"Negi, come quick! There's been a murder!"

"Negi, youma are attacking, you have to help us!"

"Negi, you're now a part ofhte Holy Grail War!"

"Negi, this bracelet means you are now a Kampfer!"

And then, of course, at the next full moon, a vampire attacked, going on about his blood, a curse, his father, and not showing up in the Harry potter Segment…

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**- CRACKED!**

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A/N: Used Google Translate for the Latin. Any mistake is their fault.

Everyone, feel free to expound on these…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


End file.
